Dear, Henley June,
While your Father and I want you to stay true to your God-given gifts and work hard, we also want you to have the joy of a strong friendships. This is one of God’s greatest gifts. We were created for community. Maintaining healthy, transparent friendships is a spiritual discipline that takes grace and time; but man is it worth it! Sadly, as a third generation workaholic, I did not fully realize this until after college.
My last semester of college was the worse. Not to sound over-dramatic, but it was. My decision to defer seminary was final-now what? At this point, my roommate and first best friend, Helen, was super-busy planning her wedding. My other roommate, Bethany, and I were no longer friends. This friendship fell apart when I wanted to permit a lesbian student to work the tech booth at chapel and Bethany wanted to protest chapel until the lesbian left. This incident, though it made me assertive, tore apart another valued friendship of mine.
Being a military child who moved often, my friendships had very short shelf lives. I hated to see our friendship end this way. To make matters worse, one of the guys I used to date was leading the protest brigade against homosexuals, and Bethany invited him over to our place quite often. Yes, this was quite awkward for me; for he and I had just broken up that December.
Now I was seen as a “flaming liberal” by the chapel team members and I was the student leader. To add to my anxiety, I had no planned next step to escape this label. Running had always worked for me in the past, but I guess God had different plans for me. I guess my ulcers could no longer contain the stress at this point, and it boiled over into a full-fledge, week-long nervous breakdown (my first and only).
Here I was, with the two things that defined me-seminary and Chapel Team, no longer being a part of my life. Who was I?
After a week of no sleep, racing heart rates, and no food, I finally caved and called my Aunt Nina. She lovingly never sugar-coated anything. “You sound horrible.” Her voice rang through the phone as I crashed into my bed. I began to sob and breath heavy. Helen was busy with her fiancé at the time of this call, so I was free to appear weak. “When was the last time you slept?” Nina said. I told her everything I was feeling. I told her of everything that hurt. After listening for a very long time, she profoundly said, “Sweety, you need to go party.” “What?” I said. “You need to stop being so hard on yourself and go be an actual college student. Let loose and have fun. That’s all you need.” And that’s when I met Sofia.
At this point, I had taken on another job at the local coffee shop to help cover my expenses. Sofia was a red-headed, straight-A, nursing student in my class. Looking back now, I realize that she was much more differentiated than me. I worked the register and the barista, while she baked the cookies and breads. The boss, Chloe, said my people skills were too good to waste in the kitchen. However, I believe she was just being kind. The truth was that I was a horrendous baker. Sofia and I had sung together in the college choir for three years. She lived for the melody and I for the harmony. Though, I was always too busy to hang out with her.
Our friendship was instant. We would laugh ‘till we cried each day at work, and then get in trouble for it. We said we were both ‘wise ole’ souls’. Sofia would have never been seen in chapel, though she was highly spiritual and had a heart of gold. She introduced me to a side of college life that I had yet to experience. Nothing illegal of course, just; concerts, parties, flirting, camp outs, and putting off homework to hold all night guitar jam sessions.
What I thought was my worse semester, soon became my best. I met so many amazing students, many who I would have never met in chapel or at Bible studies. Not to sound corny, but it was at this point that I realized how fun I actually was. I was fun, not because of my talent, but I was fun because I was me. It was also at this point that my ulcers began to heal.
I lived with Sofia that summer after college; it was such a fun summer. One morning at 1:00, after her place had emptied from a party, we were sitting on the porch. Although no discussions should occur after midnight, we were having one of our usual deep conversations. She turned to me and said, “I could see myself going back to church someday.” She blew the smoke from her cigarette, “but only if the pastor was like you. You make it all so real, spirituality, God, faith, ya know? It’s all so real.” She started to tear up a bit. Emotions are more intense in the wee hours of the morning. I took a sip from my red Solo cup, being thankful for her words. Then it hit me, “Oh, yeah, my career, what was I made to do again?”
God’s answer for this question is another story for another day. At this time though, I think God desired me to be more aware the loving community with which he had blessed me. When it comes to the title of this post, God desires both for his children. Looking back at this poignant time, I realize that God was using Sofia, other friends and mentors to teach me of the richest joys in life. I was oblivious to these before. I was too busy egotistically climbing my career’s ladder. Above all else, my friends and supplemental family members were helping me discover who I was made to be. As the scholar, Stanly Grenz, once wrote, “It is only in Christian community that we discover who we were created to be in Christ Jesus.”
Your Father and I currently have a very balanced life. We daily feel challenged and rewarded in our careers. On the flip side, we daily feel blessed by our friends. I thank God daily for our strong friend base, and we can’t wait to bring you up in this loving community.